dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
