Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
