Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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