I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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