Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
