I wish I only lived at night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
