Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
