I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
