All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
