if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
