I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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