he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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