I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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