I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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