what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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