she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
