there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
