That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
