I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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