Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
