yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
