Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sorry my hands just texted you
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
