Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
