The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
