Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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