the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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