im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
