Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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