I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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