well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
