btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
