I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dignity is for republicans.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
