come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
