How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
