he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
