"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
