Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
