So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
