Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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