I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
