I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
