On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
