I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
