i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
