Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
