Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
