I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
wanna go halves on a baby?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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