i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
