Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
