First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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